There's no wrong way to participate in your hobbies; and yet, it's not quite as fulfilling to just pop in every month or two, write a blog post about how exhausted I am, update a shit ton of pages I've been neglecting, and vanish again.

I've been in "credit overload" for the past year of classes or so. For those unaware, this essentially means I'm taking more classes than is recommended or expected for a student at my college. Most of my classmates are sitting around the 15-18 credit mark; that's about equivalent to 17 hours of actual in-person classwork per week, plus homework. I'm at 22, plus two online classes to keep up with, with 22 credits total.

And the thing is - 22 hours of classwork per week isn't very much, right? That's half of a 40-hour workweek. Sure, there's homework and studying, but most of my teachers don't give much homework, and I don't really study. And, sure, I'm also working a part-time job, but it's very minimal. Maybe 3 hours of work per week, if I'm lucky. And, all things considered, I get all of my work done by about 4:00 every day. That's great! So why does it feel like I'm at the end of my rope?

I don't have a good answer. Maybe it's a rhetorical question. But I do know I've only got one more semester (and two weeks, but who's counting?) to go, and I'm running out of momentum, and it's concerning. My grades this semester have been less than ideal, but I'm not failing or anything. I still have like, a 3.5 GPA. That's good! As always, I'm doing pretty well on paper, and I'm falling apart at the seams. I've failed more tests than usual, but the amount of projects and lab reports makes up for it in my average.

I've all but dropped off the face of the Earth as far as the local organizations I volunteer with are concerned. I've barely participated in anything related to the 32-Bit Cafe, either. I've been working hard to find moments of connection, to plan regular hang-outs with friends IRL, but that ends up being just another "thing" on my schedule that keeps me from doing whatever it is I'm SUPPOSED to be doing. I'm still grateful for those moments because they are truly keeping me sane and are still refreshing... but man, there's just so much else I have to do.

And then, well, there's the chronic fatigue, and the sleepiness, so I lose a couple of hours every afternoon to sleeping.

I don't think I'm depressed. Not doing great in the mental department, surely, but it's nothing like the crushing weight of depression I had been used to. But it's just responsiblity after responsiblity, and then there's the country I live in falling deeper and deeper into fascism, and there's actual, literal fascists at school and in town and in my extended family, and I just...

Things are awkward with my roommates, due to a variety of complicated personal circumstances I won't get into, but I don't feel entirely comfortable at home anymore. I'm no longer spending my nights playing board games and spending time with close friends. I'm hiding in my room, headphones on high to drown out the noise of people complaining about me, or having loud tickle fights. Mindlessly playing Pokemon, shiny hunting for hours, until my eyes don't stay open and I fall asleep - which luckily is never very late, lol.

Then there is the looming dread of what happens AFTER college.

I don't know. This is an awkward and honestly kind of obnoxious time in my life. Nothing feels permanent in any meaningful way. There's so many logistics to think of when it comes to finishing school, getting a job, moving, getting a place to live. I love to plan things and make spreadsheets for that sort of complicated shit, but there's too many unknowns and not enough time. I'm excited to graduate, I'm dreading it, I need to get the fuck out of that town but the thought of leaving the friends I have made makes me so miserable and frustrated.

And through it all I'm still thinking of my website, of the personal web community, of the 32-Bit cafe and all of my friends that I've neglected online and offline. And I want to be here, in this space, with all of you, but I just don't have the bandwidth. And maybe, over Winter break, I will, and I can participate in and lead events in-between taking notes for my Winter history class. Or maybe Winter break will go the same way, with me spending what little free time I have sleeping and shiny hunting and ruminating on the past and the future.

But the thing with the future is we don't know what will happen until it happens, despite all of our planning. And right now, I'm done with planning, and I just want to keep my head above water, and maintain my GPA and graduate on time and keep my friends even though I'm not doing nearly enough for any of them - any of you.

I'm glad to be here, though, yknow? I'm so lucky to have made it this far. I'm so thankful for the people who do still talk to me. I'm so glad that I have the time now, late at night, to write all of this and make little updates around my website and listen to music. I'm glad it's getting colder outside, and my family's decorated for Christmas, and Thanksgiving went well. This time of year's always really weird and bittersweet!

I started this website in 2020, during my Sophomore year of high school, during the COVID-19 lockdowns. I've gotten surgery, my drivers license, graduated high school, changed academic programs, moved, traveled across states alone. And soon, I'll be graduating college. And I'm glad you're here, and that I'm here, and that we can connect in this small way over the internet.

♥Jay